


Van Dork

by SkeletonHypetrain



Category: Homestuck, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, van helsing london assignment
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 22:01:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17067944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkeletonHypetrain/pseuds/SkeletonHypetrain
Summary: the ultimate showdown of eldain´s ultimate destiny, this concludes the saga of eldain.





	1. Chapter 1

Tonight was the night, it was the nocturnalis event, where everyone fights against monsters or some evil shit.  
But meanwhile, in some dark plaza, two noobs were wandering to beat some demons.  
Noob hunter: gee I told ya to bring some torches.  
Noob hunter 2: I left them at home.  
Noob hunter: now what, any monster will eat us.  
Noob hunter 2: did you hear that in the distance  
Noob hunter:what?  
NB2: the sweet sound of nightcore.  
And they saw a van going too fast, the van had a pattern of a flannel shirt and a head of a blonde boy smiling.  
The van stopped, the back doors opening, revealing a blonde male elf wearing clothes that resembled Chester a. Bum, making the pose``the legend never dies´´  
The noob hunters: it´s eldain van dork!  
Eldain: that´s me.  
Noob hunter 2: its eldain, the first one who beat the shit out to hyde in the previous nocturnalis!  
Noob hunter: he´s the second, the first one was van helsing during Paris in 1888.  
Eldain: ah Paris, I remember the time when I went to Notre dame  
(flashback:  
Eldain: hey, you guys, don’t leave me here, Is dark as fuck!.  
Monster hunter 1: hope you find someone up here.  
Eldain: but not this way.  
Eldain looked around.  
Eldain: well, I have this a dinosaur grabber, oh no , I feeling that if I was at the beginning of van helsing, just calm down, at least there´s no bad things.  
As he went slowly, he heard something falling, and he screamed like scout from tf2, heres the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQqQqxmLkIo  
Eldain: wait a sec, there´s nothing, im gonna show them a lesson!  
He went towards the door, where he heard the monster hunters speaking.  
Eldain pulled out his phone and used some of his soundboards and played the gorish sounds  
Monster hunter 1: did you found something, eldain?  
Eldain: I think I found something, an angry gargoyle!,oh no!  
Monster hunter 1: holy shit, we have to open the door!.  
As they open the door, they found nothing, only endain with a phone.  
MH1: what?  
Eldain: no one fucks with the eldain)  
Eldain: it was a good experience, here two books for both of you, my best-seller!: how to deal with doctors who had an evil alter ego who is gonna ruin your life.  
NB1: with the illustrations made by the lead singer of hellmoths!  
NB2: thanks Eldain, with this book I can deal with those kind of bruce banners.  
Then a mature amnesicon appeared in front of eldain.  
NB1: who´s is this guy?  
NB2: it´s g´ork, eldain´s companion, is like carl for this new van helsing.  
NB1: anyway, we have to continue our adventure,see ya.  
As the noobs went away, eldain started to wonder what kind of monster is going to hunt, suddenly started to rain, which it was great.  
As he wandered with g´ork, they saw a goblin like creature, it had some purple and white clothes, black hair with a white streak and goatee.  
Eldain: what is that, g´ork pass me the crossbow!  
As it passed the crossbow, he tried to capture the creature, hours later, the creature just ran away to a dark alley.  
Eldain: oh crap.  
Then he saw a girl sitting on one of the building´s rooftops drinking a bottle of jaggermeister.  
Paullie: hi eldain!  
Eldain: ´sup, did you saw that goblin-like thing?  
Paullie: yeah, I saw that while I was recording for my videoclip for ``present and future´´  
Eldain: oh, I saw those behind the scenes, wow.  
Paullie: maybe with his regrets, he´s now a goblin mcgoblin  
Paullie went down to be with eldain.  
Paullie: you know what, let´s celebrate this by going to Fnac, and maybe you can buy something.  
Then dork and llie went to fnac, many monster hunters and their helpers were there.  
Eldain: well, maybe in here I can find some magic the gathering cards or…  
Suddenly he saw a stand filled with dvd cases of his favourite movies  
(insert the hallelujah chorus)  
Eldain: HOLY SHIT!  
Eldain ran towards that stand, he picked one of the dvd cases and saw the title:  
Van helsing: 4K HD Bluray.  
Eldain looked at the dvd case with amazement, he was so amazed that he screamed.  
Paullie:what didya found something?  
Eldain looked at paullie.  
Eldain: paullie, i´ve found van helsing: IN MOTHERFRICKIN´HD!.  
Paullie: Oh wow, now you can see him in hd!  
Eldain looked confused.  
Eldain: who?, van helsing?  
Paullie:not van helsing, that man who kidnapped you during…  
Eldain: who?,what?  
Paullie: the only reason you wrote the book: how to deal with doctors who had an evil alter ego who is gonna ruin your life.  
Eldain: no, I don’t remember him.  
Paullie:congrats!.  
Then suddenly saw g´ork running from someone  
G´ork: h-he´s…B-back!  
Paullie: hi g´ork, are you alright?  
Eldain: wait, he´s saying something!  
Paullie:oh, what…you said that someone has returned, I know!, waluigi!  
G´ork: n-no.  
Monsterhunter 1: tell us, who´s back.  
G´ork: Jekyll  
Everyone gasped in horror, eldain looked confused.  
Paullie: wait?, what.  
Paullie looked at eldain.  
Paullie: gawrsh eldain, are you okay?,eldain,eldain,eldain..  
While paullie was saying the young elf man´s name over and over again, eldain´s ptsd was kicking but, he didn’t remember that man, eldain remember this compilation of his memories with paullie:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrH7pwBy1ks  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eywp61pXUm4  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfHuSgYZI1E  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CC7qEKU3RHU&t=90s

And this memory, 499 was the one from the ceiling:  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpT7Vj97doM  
He awoke from the memories, paullie was continuing repeating his name.  
Paullie: eldain,eldain.., oh hey you´re awaken!.  
Eldain: who the hell is Jekyll?  
Paullie: that Victorian bruce banner?  
Eldain: like the hulk?  
Paullie: but without the green, and he speaks alone with his evil alter ego.  
Eldain:and.  
Paullie: it seems that after he commited Sewer side, it seems he became a hell inmate and he come back for someone. He knew..  
Everyone looked a eldain.  
Eldain: its me, I know…  
Paullie: now you know him!  
Eldain: vaguely.  
Eldain then, he rushed to an altar, and sang this:  
Dark nights are upon us  
Black magic slays on the chorus  
For the choir's in tune with an angel  
Foresight of the broken chain us  
May her demeanor combine us  
Within sorrow and blindness  
We'll follow where the path of freedom can re-join us now

 

We bow before a fake  
For goodness sake  
Where's the pride when we needed it to carry away  
This decay has derailed  
Now he walks leaving trails of the damned

 

Fall into the hands of sorrow  
Drawn by the darkest bay  
Walk into the pit of silence  
I am the one calling your name  
I, in the name of violence  
Sentence you down to hell  
Live, or you will die  
Just for the sake, fetch me the tools  
So I create this Instrument of Cyanide.

Paullie: nice musical minute.


	2. league of extraordinary flops

After he bought the dvd, eldain was at the near starbucks, g´ork was continuing his job as a helper for the people or adventurers.  
Eldain was driking his pumpkin spice latte, with a nice and warm carrot cake, a brownie and a red velvet cupcake.  
He was staring at the window, the rainy night that was occurring in the city, he saw that goblin again, hiding from the rain.  
Eldain notice that he saw a big shadow approaching, but he didn’t give an extraordinary fuck about that.  
Later, after the starbucks break, he went to the city´s gardens, it was an enourmous place, filled with bushes, trees, and some stuff that you can find in a garden.  
There´s a section that you can find a large file of statues of known people and its known events, for example: a statue of marvin with his gauntlet of fandoms, or a statue of paullie playing her known guitar,etc.  
There´s also a statue of Eldain´s ancestor, he didn’t do anything, but they made a statue of him.  
Eldain looked at his statue, it looked like those gothic statues, it was wearing his white knight armor and it was smiling while holding a lance and the other hand was holding a magic 8 ball.  
Eldain expected that someone would write in that statue in graffiti: false god or douchebag.  
But there was no graffiti, next to eldain´s statue there was a bust of the known league of extraordinary gentlemen, but it was now vandalized, it had a purple logo of three eyes, eldain looked at the now school in ruins, remembering that day:  
That school thing was founded by that league, just for next generations of characters from the books would be like the league, paullie heard about that, she was like: hell no.  
She went to that school, to make sure about what is she going to do, she opened one of the doors and she saw a big man, that beast looked at her, she had this face: OWO.  
As she went away from that door, she analyzed everything, the times, hours, when they´ll enter, go,etc.  
Paul was there too, staring at everyone with that white mask, some chars saw paullie speaking with her banana phone.

Days later, it has begun, a normal and last day of that place, while paullie was walking in slow mo, a big bunch of goodpeople wearing their known gengar sweaters and goth people killing characters and painting everything with black graffiti,there was screaming,blood everywhere,etc.  
Eldain was there, he was wearing his flannel jacket, he learned about shapeshifting with paullie, so he was in his undyne form.  
Paul was spinning like a beyblade and shooting with his two guns.  
It is said that eldain,after drinking a can of beer, he gave it paullie:  
Eldain: here,have some!  
Paullie: this bitch empty,YEET!  
Paullie yeeted the bottle, the can hit the big man that paullie saw.  
But, it was just a rumor.  
After,that paullie opened a big door, and the pure white room was now black, goth people put a hot topic shop in there, the scenery look like the alternative 1985 hill valley.  
She saw The white knight standing on a car, eldain was near the car, dancing a compilation of fortnite dances(this is the order of the compilation: hype,take the l,dab and dance moves), while white knight was making sick riffs on his electric guitar.  
How a bunch of idiots can eradicate an entire league of characters from known literature books and a school for literature characters?  
The answer is this: no one fucks with the paullie

After he remembered that, he knew he must do.  
Later he went to one of the buildings that was one of his bases, he saw his robot and armor pal: white knight.  
Eldain: white knight?  
WK:yes.  
Eldain: now it´s time!  
Wk:ok.  
After that, some monsterhunters saw eldain wearing the armor, then another musical moment appeared:  
Monsterhunters:Dark nights have devoured us

Eldain:  
I walk this river of conscience  
For a time where we come to escape here  
This lens has an open vengeance  
I've laid in here for the longest time  
The deadliest choir chimes for my awakening  
This reckoning will see the light tonight

We bow before a fake  
For goodness sake  
Where's the pride when we needed it to carry away  
This decay has derailed  
Now he walks leaving trails of the damned

 

Fall into the hands of sorrow  
Drawn by the darkest bay  
Walk into the pit of silence  
I am the one calling your name  
I, in the name of violence  
Sentence you down to hell  
Live, or you will die  
Just for the sake, fetch me the tools  
So I create this Instrument of Cyanide

After the musical moment, someone said: is like les miserables,but worse.

Eldain arrived to a plaza, he was expecting his enemy.  
Eldain: come here, its ya boy.  
But nobody came.  
Eldain: oh fiddlesticks!, maybe I can use white knight later.


	3. When im dead, just throw me in the trash

With that disappointment, eldain went to the subdemon, he went to the galleries to see about the most important events that his friends made like the darkening.  
Then he went to pick a train, just to go to the other part of the city.  
As he was sitting on one of the seats of the train, he saw a gray haired man wearing brown clothes staring at him.  
The man recognized that elf boy, but eldain isn´t.  
The elf boy pulled out his Nintendo switch and started to play super smash bros ultimate.  
After he played smash, he noticed that the man was gone and a celebi was sitting next to Dain.  
Eldain: a celebi?  
Then the train passed through a tunnel, it was all darkness, eldain pulled out his torch, the celebi looked shocked after it saw what was behind the elf.  
Eldain got violently grabbed by something that was behind him, celebi tried to rescue him, but it failed.  
Eldain closed his eyes; he heard a fight, some smashes and the feeling of falling down.  
Then he felt that a person was dragging him.  
Then, he woke up in one of the trash cans from the train station, suddenly his phone began to rang.  
Eldain: hello?  
Paullie: hi eldain!  
Eldain: oh,hello?  
Paullie: check this out this video.  
Eldain saw the video, it was him being dragged by a big man, and then the man throw eldain to the trash can.  
Paullie: don’t you recognize him?  
Paullie sent to Dain, some memes about that.  
Eldain: he knew where I belong.  
Eldain went out of the trash can, and he wandered through the train station, he was tired of this.  
Eldain:…  
Suddenly, he saw the celebi, and someone…  
Jekyll: eldain?  
Eldain began to scream, Jekyll try to hug him.  
Eldain: hey, no touchie,no touchie, no touch.  
Jekyll: I missed you.  
Eldain: WHY THE FUCK YOU ARE HERE!  
Jekyll: hell was full, so Im here!.  
Eldain: I need to tell you something, WHY YOU DID THIS AND WHY!  
Jekyll: what?  
Eldain: DON’T LIE TO ME, I READ THE FUCKY BOOK!, ´CAUSE YOU FREAKING FREAK JUST EVER BE QUENCHED AT YOUR FANTASIES CAN´T EVER BE QUENCHED CAN THEY, YOU FREAKING FREAK, WHEN WILL YOU LEARN, WHEN WILL LEARN THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES!.  
Jekyll: what consequences…my evil alter ego?  
Eldain:yes, but you didn’t commited sewer side?!.  
Eldain noticed the marks in jekyll´s neck.  
Eldain:oh god..im getting the fuck outta here.  
Jekyll: wait!, what is that?  
Eldain: its celebi.  
Jekyll: hi..  
The celebi looked at him and go away.  
Jekyll: first things first, I need to tell you something, let’s go.  
The three(also g´ork was included)persons went to a base or lab, I don’t know.  
Jekyll: please eldain,listen to me, you need to prevent me to transform into you know…, but please, you know that I loved you, after I failed to transform the queen into a young woman, you are beautiful.., you look like a lovely woman…  
Eldain: you are scaring me.  
Then he saw that Jekyll was sleeping  
Eldain: oh,awful man, hey!  
The elf boy saw that the desk had a diary and a marker.  
Eldain: hubba bubba!, his diary, i´ll take it as a trophy, I know what im going to do.  
Then he picked the marker and painted on jekyll´s face, g´ork and eldain tried to not laugh, eldain took a selfie.  
Meanwhile, paullie was using the phone at one of the cafeterias, her phone was connected to a large proyector thing, they saw the selfie that eldain made, everyone laughed, paullie replied this on eldain´s photo- top 10 pictures taken seconds before the disaster.

Eldain was driving the eldain mobile.  
Eldain: this is for what he done to me during the previous nocturnalis.


	4. You can be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

Paullie was now in the streets with her phone, she saw the eldain mobile, then eldain appeared.  
Paullie: hello there.  
Eldain: oh hi.  
Paullie: I saw your photo, it was funny, hey, you that saw those statues from that giant park!, yes, I also saw that school in ruins, that contain a hot topic shop in there, I remember that day, I felt like Anakin skywalker killing every single jedi at the jedi council in star wars episode III: revenge of the sith.  
Eldain: wow, can I tell you something.  
Paullie: yes,  
Eldain: but we need to go inside of the van.  
As they went inside of the van, it was filled with bongs, merchandise, some copies of his bestseller, hellmoth´s vinyls,etc.  
There was two beds, also g´ork was there.  
Eldain lied down the bed.  
Eldain: I need your help, since I forgot him by joining to the insignificant world of drugs, I started to have some gruesome, gross, shocking nightmares.  
Paullie: hey, you bring my inception dream thing.  
Eldain:yes.  
As paullie prepared the inception thing, eldain was scared of not sleeping again.  
Paullie woke up in a building that looked like the nautilus or that museum.  
Paullie: so, im in eldain´s nightmare, let’s check it out.  
As she wondered through the halls, she heard a scream.  
Paullie: the lad is in trouble!, I will save you eldy.  
Paullie ran as fast as she can, she saw a door with a round window on it.  
Paullie: lets take a look to..OH MY GOD!  
She get away from the window, she started to puke tar-like substance while her eyes turned black.  
Paullie:AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH, this is awful, oh god, why,WHY.  
Paul appeared wearing his black shirt and pajama pants.  
Paul: oh paullie, what the hell are you doing here!, how many times do I have to tell you about…oh lord!  
Paullie look at him with her mawled-like face filled with that black substance.  
Paullie: oh,just look at it  
Paul look about what´s happening, he was so shocked that his white mask fell off.  
Paul: oh, so that´s eldain´s BIG problem  
Paullie: we talk about that,paul, this is like goosh goosh but worse.  
Paul: yes, I know.  
Paullie: i´ll fix this.  
Then paullie(now her face is normal), slammed the door.  
Paullie: STOP BUTT-FUCKING MY FRIEND YOU FREAKING ORANGUTAN!  
She looked at eldain when he was once the flannel lad, his body was now broken.   
Paullie: eldain!  
Paullie picked the lad´s body.  
Paullie: well, see ya.  
She jumps out of the window, eldain woke up in a cafeteria, she was there, just like that inception scene.  
Paullie: hi eldain.  
Eldain: im not dead!  
Paullie: I friggin save you.  
Now he was at dimensionalis.  
E: what is this place?, paullie!.  
He was in a dark hallway, he went to that hallway, and he arrive on a room with a galaxy sky on it, there was two dimensional beings sitting on a sofa.  
Mirrormaker: welcome to the 3rd place, van dork.  
Eldain: mirrormaker, the guide of dimensionalis.  
Mirrormaker: well van dork, its seems that your BIG problem is coming to an end.  
Eldain: I know, but what am I going to do?  
Mirrormaker: use your PRIDE, make everyone proud of you, use you’re the knowledge that paullie taught to you, now is the phase that you will transform into a great monster hunter.  
Eldain: yes, with my PRIDE, I will end this once for all.  
Eldain: ok.  
Then, the lad woke up.  
Paullie: hey, eldain, I saved you, no more nightmares.  
Eldain: thanks, now I had an idea, an awful idea, a wonderful awful idea,but first I need one of paul´s gramp´s holy hand granades, black marker, flannel jacket,not one of mine, and large list to end this.


	5. Chapter 5

Now it’s the finale of a great weird ass story, everyone was at the plaza, hiding from eldain´s BIG problem, the beast that almost do bad things to the elf.  
Some crew of people watched horrified that big man.  
Suddenly, eldain appeared.  
Eldain: hey,guys did you see that…oh god.  
Eldain saw hyde, he was shocked.  
Hyde: do you remember me?  
Eldain: I know who you are….エドワード  
(author´s note: please translate this via google translate)  
Everyone gasped, the mertens also gasped.  
Paullie: HIS NAME IS EDWARD!?  
Paul: glad I read the book.  
Eldain: well, Edward-kun, it seems that its all ogre now, all I need is..  
Then eldain gets grabbed by hyde, that beast bear hugged the elf.  
Hyde: I missed you!  
Eldain heard a crunch.  
Eldain:AAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHH!  
Hyde:what?  
Eldain: YOU BROKE MY SPINE LIKE UNCOOKED SPAGHETTI YOU APE!  
Then paullie appeared.  
Paullie: let him go!  
Hyde: who are you?  
Paullie: im paula strange mertens, known as the one who ended the darkening, and you better let him down ´cause you don’t, im gonna break your arm, so let him go!.  
Hyde: you know this idiot?  
Paullie: yes, I met him since I was 8…and..im better getting the fuck outta here.  
Paul: hello.  
Hyde: I know this guy very well, just like his grandfather,what I was talking about..  
Eldain: glad, my spine got recovered.  
Then hyde pulled out a cigar, he starts to smoke it, then he burn eldain with the cigar, and throws him to the ground.  
Hyde: well, remember that in that day, you didn’t let me do that..  
Then hyde whispered in eldain´s hear.  
Hyde: you goin to end up like Eldi..  
But someone throw a rock at him.  
Edward: who do that!  
???: me!  
A little figure with horns wearing a school uniform appeared, it was eldain´s young sis.  
Cassy: do that again and im gonna avada kedabruh to you.  
The beast turned to see eldain, he was going towards a white armor that was t-posing.  
Eldain: you know, hyde-senpai, you what im going to do, is because im doing this…  
Then eldain weared his white knight armor.  
Eldain:with PRIDE.  
Cassy: well, im going to starbucks, hope you win!.  
Then the most epic battle has started, eldain van dork vs edward hyde.  
It looks like that scene of the hulkbuster vs hulk from the movie the avengers: age of ultron.  
It took a very long hour of that epic fight.  
Eldain had to get out of the armor and turn it to robot mode, white night returned to its base.  
Eldain rolled around at the speed of sound, but hyde catched him.  
Hyde: gotcha, game over for you,eld…  
He realized that he caught a doll made with a holy hand grenade, black marker and a piece of a flannel textile.  
Meanwhile at the distance, there was eldain staring at him at the distance, he was holding a bomb detonator.  
Eldain: krakatoa..more like BOMB VOYAGE!  
Eldain made a wheezy laugh, and pressed the button.  
Hyde looked at eldain angrily and heartbroken at the same time, then he saw a pale creature.  
499: well, thou art fucked, I told ya why they are calling me ``the last thing before you die´´, see you in hell.  
Hyde looked very angrily at eldain.  
Hyde: ELDAIN YOU SON OF A-

And KABOOOM!, the holy hand grenade set an awesome and epic explosion.  
After the awesomplosion, eldain looked at the landscape.  
He was like this:  


He let out a cry(like this, just go to 0:11:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0T4Yw-TabE  
)ascended for the second time.

Eldain: so, I beat my problem.  
???: really?  
Eldain turned back, he saw a young woman, her skin was grey, black hair, yellow eyes, she was wearing rust red make up,black shirt with the sign of aries,grey skirt, on her head there was two ram horns.  
Eldain: who are you?  
???: my name is aradia megido, what´s yours.  
Eldain: my name is Eldain van dork.  
Aradia: what a beautiful name.  
Eldain blushed…  
Then, eldain and aradia stare at the landscape like this:  


 

After that, they both hold hands, they saw that everyone was cheering.  
Jack: eldain, you did it!  
Paullie: you beat your problem by yourself!.  
Paul: you what it means!  
Eldain: Im…im a LEGEND!, just like both!  
Then paul´s grandpa appeared.  
Eldain: hi, sir paul.  
Sir paul: well,van dork, you did it well, your ancestors would be proud, you became now a real monster hunter.  
Everyone cheered at eldain.  
Paullie: hey, you met your sweetheart!  
Aradia: well, we have both things in common.  
Eldain blushed again.  
Eldain: oh aradia, I love you so much.  
Paullie: well, you what it means…PARTY!.  
And everyone have a party and eldain lived happily ever after.

And thus the end of Hydedain and the beginning of Aradain.  
The end.


	6. epilogue

Eldain was taking a walk in the cold autumn afternoon at the plaza,he was wearing a flannel jacket and a grey-black t-shirt like this:   
he saw g´ork sitting on a park bench.  
Eldain went towards him:  
Eldain: hello g´ork.  
G´ork:…  
Eldain: well, I solved my big problem, now im a great monster hunter, I have a girlfriend, well, im so chill right now, this ann darrow is free from his king kong, see ya later.  
After eldain went out, he felt free, now he is the enCHILL-LADa  
Meanwhile in hell.  
Abbadon was watching the previously stuff with mirror maker and friends.  
Abbadon: watch this,everyone, you can actually pinpoint the second when hyde´s heart rips in half.  
And….now.  
Mirrormaker and friends laughed at that.

The really end.

Made by skeletonhypetrain.  
All the stuff mentioned is from their respective owners


End file.
